SHIO_Chess

well im technically tired of everything and i just hate feeling and thinking it pains and tires me to do so but what do you know about me that i feel this way you wouldnt really know me because this is just a different side to me that people find a nuisance or find pathetic which i can see why but its not my choice to stay in a side like this that i dont want but almost everyone just pushes me in that direction to that side that is just dark and cold to be in but i rlly dont choose this and no i dont get abused or not loved or anything like that and i rlly am grateful i even get food on the table or even get to have a family or be loved or anything but almost everyone tells me that feeling numb or being depressed is just someone who is ungratful and i find that stupid because no one wants to feel this way do they no they dont want it but ofc society is like this and finds people who express themselves as being weak or pathetic which i just find annoying and stupid and people rlly dont like seeing my pitiful expression or mood because they say it just ruins all happy stuff which i agree pretty much but im rlly just tired of everything and want all of it to end already and it seems its to much to ask for apparently and i really cant live in a world such as this where people just treat others like this instead of showing support or anything like that i just wanted to let you know that reader who is reading this... 

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Why dont i already just end it all and put a gun to my head or just stab myself and bleed to death its really a question i ask myself all the time ever since that last depressive episode i had to go through all alone and im sick of people who just could give less of a crap if someone kills themselves or something and i try to kill myself but something else keeps me from doing so,which i end up putting the knife down and just go back to what i was doing but really its tiring to even live and fight for my life when its all the more pointless if the people i love will end up dead and when my grandma dies is when the life inside of me will go away and then will i most likely end everything then and there because ik for a fact i cant live without someone who knows my suffering and how i feel and the person who took me in when something from a long time ago happened it hurts IT HURTS SO MUCH.....I just want to END EVERYTHING BUT SOMETHING IS KEEPING ME FROM DOING IT i want it to end so badly crying,happy,sad,annoyed,hate,tears,pain its all so much to handle i can hardly keep up with it and understand it because i ignored my thoughts and feelings and stress myself in order to save and comfort people which drains me but dont see it as me blaming the people that i feel this way because im glad that i was able to help or save someone which gives me hope but i wasnt able to save this one person which i feel is my fault and its mainly life thats just tiring me and i want it all to go away already just know i care about you moonith and hope that if i end eveerything know i will still watch u from above but know ill keep fighting just for you and my friends and family but know that i rlly cant last for eternity and i have limits that i can hate and i am already close to that limit but dont stop believing in me because i still have alot to show before i go and die...

Lyrics i connect to from a song called (rurus suicide show on a livestream and My R)

For God's sake, please! Are you serious? I just can't believe
That for some stupid reason you got here before me
'Cause even so, you're still loved by everyone at home
There's always dinner waiting on the table, you know!
"I'm hungry," said the girl as she shed a tear
The girl short as can be then disappeared - My R

.

Just as I was about to take my shoes off, on the rooftop there I see
A girl with braided hair here before me, despite myself, I go and scream
"Hey, don't do it please!"                                                                                                                Whoa, wait a minute what did I just say?
I couldn't care less either way
To be honest, I was somewhat pissed
This was an opportunity missed
The girl with braided hair told me her woes
You've probably heard it all before - My R

..

Jumping into the Chūō Line
Being called a nuisance
She was always there
The girl went ahead and died
Looking down upon stupid humans
With the cats on a roof
She was always shouting - RuRus suicide show on a livestream